If you watched the wedding on TV, you know this is true... Charles and Camilla never kissed. That's true. They did not kiss! That's because in England a lot of people still do not approve of same-sex marriages ************************************************************* The old lady had been married for many years when suddenly her husband died. This is what she put on his tombstone:  The Light of My Life Has Gone Out.  Not long afterward she met, fell in love with and married another man.  After thinking at some length about it, she went to the gravestone cutter and had him add a little postscript. The tombstone now reads: The Light of My Life Has Gone out P.S. I Found A Match ************************************************************************ An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her. He whispered , "IM LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY." The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else. She bought the frog and put him in the car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY." So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog. IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince. THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK..........AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO? COME ON GUESS? OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND. She's old.......NOT DEAD!!!! *********************************************************************************** Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking. Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat. Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking. Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading. ********************************************************** A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." ****************************************************************************** Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says,"I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you  lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A Circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year." ********************************************************************** The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said," I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?" Arthur said, "Yes, that's me..." God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't runwithout a road?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me but aren't you the inventor of woman???" God said, "Ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention." 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust; 5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!! "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours. ************************************************************************* A stockbroker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold  up?" The officer replied, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set hersel on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2008. So we're taking up a collection for her." The stock broker asked, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replied, "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning. *****************************************************************************